Dogs humour "only for grown-up"
Note: In contrast to the majority of the western countries, "dog`s sex” here takes place, so to say, alive, not by means of artifitial impregnation, and it demands for the presence of a specially trained person, a breeding instructor, who now and then becomes a witness of quite peculiar "professional” funny incidents with the participation of "brides”, "bridegrooms”, and their owners.
Here are some of sush incidents.
- If the owner of a male dog is a woman, she as a rule takes "marriage failures” of her pet quite calmy: if he has not succeeded today he will succeed tomorrow, there is no difference for her. But if the owner is a man, the picture is quite another: he takes the failure to his heart as his own.
For example: we are trying to breed two young dogs. The happy "bridegroom” on seeing his "bride” hides himself under the wardrobe. And while the "bride`s” owner (a woman) and myself are coaxing the poor dog from under the wardrobe, the "bridegrooms`s” owner (a man) is sitting in the kitchen covering his face with his hand amd muttering: "Oh my God, my God, what shame... Oh how glad I am my wife does not see it...” - It was a recurrent "mariage”. The dog was quite discouraged because three or four not too skilful instructors had already tried to breed him without any success. And the dog`s master, a prominent figure in the field of medicine, was worried very much about his pet. All in all, I was the fifth instructor to take part in the situation.
The process completed fortunately, and the master with the expression of satisfaction and haughty snobbery upon his face spoke through set teeth: "I like your professional skills. Where have you acquired them?” And I had to give answer in the spirit of the question: "You see, I have been married for ten years already.” The man lost his snobbery in a moment. The most funny thing was that he appeared to be quite a normal person and we were maintaining friendly relations from that time on.
- I am ringing at the "client`s” door, the door is flung open and a young man of quite a peculiar appearance (as in Pushkin`s fairytale, "a gold chain upon the oak”) pronounces: "Well, come in and get her down!” To tell the truth, I was slightly taken aback. Then I made out that it was offered to me to lay the bitch upon the floor. One had to see the expression of the master`s face (and the brain work reflecting upon it) when he heard my words: "You know, they do not breed in lying position.” Al last he asked me: "Do you know it exactly?”
- One of the "bridegroom`s” masters was quite excited about the question: "Do they all breed in one and the same position?” He calmed down only after my answer: "I`ll turn them around just now, and it will be the second position.”
- The "process” is going on. The bitch`s master is constantly commenting the current events and commenting them quite competently both from the point of view of medicine and general culture. But I do not understand why he is doing it. Everybody at the certain age has read some medical, educational and popular scientific literature on the question and it is not at all obligatory to pronounce everything aloud. To verify my suspicions, I ask him: "And what is your profession?” Can you guess his answer? He was a sexopathologist all right!
- During the next "marriage” the "bridegroom`s” mistress is a young and pretty woman. And the master is scrupulousely following the process by phone forcing the woman to describe in detail all the actions of his pet. She is doing it diligently trying to be as delicate as possible and to make it all a joke. After the successful accomplishment of the process the parties leave content with each other.
But less than in a half of an hour the "bridegroom`s dad” rings me up and very anctiousely asks me to explain to him, a surgeon urologist, what was implanted to his dog in such a short time and how it could be possible. At first I cannot grasps his idea at all, but then I begin to understand and explain to the troubled surgeon that all male dogs have a small bone "there”, that no implantation took place and that no such implantation is possible "there” at all. After a pause I heard a sigh of relief: "Thanks God it is so. But I just thought it was some mystic event...” - It is a pity but even in such a specific field as dog breeding one can meet a great amount of diletants having no necessary knowlegde and skill but enormous desire to make money. The following incident can serve as an example.
I come to breed the dogs, but there is a certain instructor in the house already. On seeing me he evidently tries "to keep his face” before the masters and says quite seriousely: "I am out of form today, my fifth chacra has not opened. Otherwise I`d hit them with my sexual energy and everything would be OK.”
But we act more or less after the old fashion. In a special emergency – with the help of our hands,and our hands are strong and sound.
